


i only miss you when you’re gone

by thunderylee



Category: NewS (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Universe, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-03-14
Updated: 2008-03-14
Packaged: 2019-02-05 17:45:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12799212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thunderylee/pseuds/thunderylee
Summary: Koyama and Shige come to the same conclusion in two completely different ways.





	i only miss you when you’re gone

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Grand Masters of Squish](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/341148) by ThaWrecka. 



> reposted from agck.

_You’re the only one who can take care of Shige now._

Kusano’s last words to Koyama before the inevitable suspension were still clear in his mind long after NewS’ was sent on hiatus. He wasn’t quite sure what Kusano had meant – Shige was eighteen years old now, surely he could take care of himself – but something in Kusano’s voice had implied that it was a different kind of care. Kusano was hardly ever serious; even while his fate was being decided, he’d continued to throw tantrums like a child and declare to anyone who would listen that it was _not_ his cup and he definitely _wasn’t_ drinking.

Koyama was one of the few who believed him. Kusano may have been young and immature, but he wasn’t stupid enough to repeat the same mistake Uchi had made less than six months prior. Kusano was smart, probably as smart as Shige, and it was unfortunate that their group had to endure so much turmoil because of a misunderstanding.

Always looking on the bright side, the Koyama who excretes rainbows would say that now Kusano had a chance to concentrate on his schooling, to further his education without distraction. The same could be said for himself, Shige, and Yamapi now that they were on hiatus, even though Yamapi would probably be just as busy as he was before.

It wasn’t the same not seeing those guys everyday. Even if he got to spend time with different groups and work alongside KAT-TUN’s Nakamaru, hosting the Shounen Club felt more like a salaryman’s job than something an Idol would do. Koyama would never tell anyone that, however – Nakamaru was more than pleasant to work with, and the guests were usually interesting and entertaining. It wasn’t NewS though, nowhere close, and even the optimistic Koyama was starting to think that there would never be NewS again.

He tried to keep in touch with everyone, even if it was just via phone mail. Getting a random emoji from Yamapi or a picture of some Swedish girl Tegoshi thought was attractive was enough to make Koyama smile and feel close to his bandmates despite the distances between them. More often than not, _he_ was the one who messaged first, but that didn’t matter. Even Ryo found the time to type Koyama a line or two about how he and Kanjani8 were doing every couple of weeks, although it usually included the phrase “you’re _so_ the girlfriend.”

Despite Kusano’s instructions, Koyama didn’t see Shige very much. He’d actually seen Yamapi more than Shige in the past couple months, but only because of his Shokura appearances. Shige was taking extra classes and utilizing his free time by studying and spending time with friends he’d made at school, and maybe once a month he could clear an hour or so to have ramen with Koyama.

.

The most recent time, Shige had brought one of his new friends with him. Koyama had felt like an outsider and especially unintelligent as they rambled on about inside jokes and things that went over his head. He kept his game face on, though, not that Shige would have noticed either way with how he was acting like Koyama wasn’t even there.

“Did you get your teeth fixed?” Koyama asked after fifteen minutes of trying to decipher why Shige’s smile looked different.

“Yes,” Shige replied, smiling brighter. “I thought I told you?”

“You didn’t.” Koyama’s voice wavered just a little. “It looks really good.”

“Thanks!” Shige seemed to light up the room now, at least until he turned back to his friend. “Yuuta-kun’s father is one of the best dentists in the country, isn’t he?”

“He is,” the kid named Yuuta answered promptly. “You really do look better, Shige-kun.”

Koyama inwardly seethed as they started to ignore him yet again, but by the time they parted he realized that it was because Shige had looked perfectly fine before.

.

“Shige has a boyfriend,” Koyama blurted into the phone later that evening, before saying ‘hello’ or ‘good evening’ or anything civil.

“Nice to hear from you,” Kusano said sarcastically, his mouth full of something. “You should be happy I picked up and not my mom. My mom knows Shige’s mom and you don’t really want to be responsible for that kind of drama.”

“I’m serious!” Koyama whined dramatically, flopping down onto his futon and grabbing onto his pillow. “I don’t like him either.”

“Of course you wouldn’t.” Chomp, chomp. “I take it you haven’t been taking care of Shige like I told you to?”

“He’s so _busy_ ,” Koyama said defensively. “He spends all of his time with that guy, I just know it.”

“Can you be quiet?” Kusano asked in a rushed voice.

Koyama tightened his hold on the pillow. “What? Why?”

“I’m going to call him on threeway.”

“What? No!” Koyama sat straight up, clutching the pillow to his chest. “What are we, a couple of teenage girls?”

“In my defense, I’m eighteen.” Kusano chuckled and Koyama had to suppress the uncharacteristic urge to strangle him. “And I’m not the one who’s curled up in bed, using a pillow for moral support.”

Koyama gasped. “How did you -”

“I’m calling,” Kusano announced, the numbers beeping in Koyama’s ear before he could protest.

“Notti!” Shige answered cheerfully, and Koyama’s heart sank at how happy he sounded.

“I’m onto you, Kato,” Kusano responded, very deadpan.

“Eh, what?”

“I saw you. The other day. With that guy.” Kusano chuckled evilly. “Care to explain yourself?”

Koyama could almost hear Shige blink. “Eh? Was it Yuuta-kun?”

“Who’s Yuuta-kun?” Kusano demanded.

“A friend from school,” said Shige, casually.

“Are you sure he’s just a friend?”

“Kusano!” Shige squeaked. “Just because I let you stick your tongue in my mouth two years ago doesn’t mean that I’m going that way.”

“How would you know?” Kusano pressed. “Have you even kissed anyone else?”

“I don’t have time to kiss people!” Shige was yelling now, which made Koyama shiver and bury his face into the pillow. “And since when does seeing me walk down the fucking street with someone give you the right to assume that we’re together? I haven’t talked to you in six months and you have the nerve to accuse me of being gay?”

While Koyama was subconsciously trying to hide _in_ his mattress, Kusano erupted into a fit of laughter and actually dropped the phone twice before he could respond. “No wonder Koyama’s in love with you. You’re hot when you’re angry.”

Koyama had hung up and thrown the phone across the room before the words had even computed in his brain. He may have been slow, but he was pretty sure he’d remember admitting something like that. It wasn’t even true, he didn’t think. Of course he loved Shige like he loved them all, but being _in_ love was a completely different thing. Koyama wasn’t even sure he knew what being in love was like; he sang about it enough, but he hadn’t ever experienced it. At least not yet.

His special Shige ringtone sounded from the pile of laundry where his phone had landed, and Koyama shot a nasty glare across the room like his phone was solely responsible for this situation. It continued to ring for three cycles, then his default ringtone that was undoubtedly Kusano chimed until Koyama got up and turned his phone off.

It occurred to him that Shige had a spare key to his apartment, and in a flash he had flown to the front door and locked the deadbolt. It was then that his brain caught up with him and he fell back against the door, slumping to the floor as he wondered _why_ he was freaking out. All he knew was that he was scared, really scared, scared shitless to talk to Shige and as for Kusano, Koyama had very un-Koyama-like premonitions of extracting his revenge.

He wasn’t _crying_ , exactly. Why should he cry? He wasn’t sad. He didn’t feel deeply touched or loved or any other strong emotion that would make his tears fall like they were. He was mostly embarrassed, which he understood perfectly, and very, very scared, which he didn’t understand at all.

Reluctantly he crawled into bed and snuggled with his pillow, which gradually became wetter as the night wore on until Koyama didn’t try to hide it anymore and openly sobbed himself to sleep.

.

Voicemails and phone texts went unanswered for almost a whole week while Koyama tried to figure things out. It became a little difficult on the third day when Yamapi started calling, but after the first time Koyama realized it wasn’t about business, Yamapi’s number went straight to voicemail as well. It’s not like there was any business for Yamapi to discuss with him anyway; technically Yamapi wasn’t his leader anymore.

“Koyama-kun…” Nakamaru’s voice sounded far away. “Are you okay? You’ve been acting strangely all week.”

Game face returned. “I’m fine, don’t worry. I just have a lot on my mind.”

“I know what you mean,” Nakamaru said quietly. “But you have to stay positive, right? Nobody wants to idolize someone who looks like he’d rather be anywhere else than performing for them.”

Koyama’s eyes widened as realization dawned. He cast a “good work” over his shoulder on his way out the door, leaving a bewildered Nakamaru in his wake as he continued to run all the way across town, listening to his forty-three messages on the way.

“Kei, I’m not mad. Let’s talk about this.” Shige, times seventeen.

“Tell me I’m lying! You can’t hate me forever, Koyama. I’m too cute.” Kusano.

“You bitches really can’t live without me. I’m on my way back.” Ryo.

“For the sake of NewS, whether on hiatus or not, you need to work this out. You’re the oldest – act like it.” Yamapi.

“Stop acting like such a girl! Everyone knows that I’m the girl of this group!” Uchi.

_Uchi_? Koyama shook his head and cursed. If Uchi knew, everyone in Kanjani8 knew. Which meant that –

“You Tokyo guys are such pussies. Just steal his pants and everything will flow from there.” Yoko.

“Shige’s gotten hot. You better claim him before I do.” Hina.

“He’s always been hot!” Koyama yelled out loud, knowing fully well that Hina couldn’t hear him even if most of downtown Tokyo did.

What was usually a fifteen-minute train ride turned into a twenty-five minute sprint, and when Koyama finally reached the familiar yet foreign building, he had to brace his hands on his knees to catch his breath.

Shige’s window was to the left of the front door, always had been, and a small part of Koyama wanted to ninja his way through it, executing a double front flip and landing perfectly in the middle of Shige’s room, where he would say something brilliant to make Shige forgive him and they could live happily ever after.

As Koyama crept closer to the window, however, he saw that Shige was not alone.

That Yuuta kid was over, sitting on Shige’s bed with Shige’s head in his lap, running his fingers through his hair and leaning down to talk to him, words that Koyama couldn’t hear. Shige was facing away from him, but every now and then his body would jerk from Yuuta’s touch, and even Koyama who was slow to catch on could see what was going on and tore his eyes away as soon as he could.

He felt the bottom of his stomach fall out just before he doubled over Shige’s mom’s rose bushes, and it was then that he knew the true meaning of being lovesick.

.

Shige’s birthday came and went – there’s nothing special about turning nineteen, after all, even if Yamapi had felt that it was necessary to have the whole group over for dinner. It wasn’t that awkward, at least for Koyama who got very drunk very early and ended up passing out in Ryo’s lap halfway through dinner.

“Did I make an ass out of myself?” he asked Yamapi in the morning, having woken up on his couch with Yamapi crouched next to him, giving him an amused look.

“Not exactly,” Yamapi replied, his voice low and gentle. “Although you made it abundantly clear that not only are you not in love with Shige, you are all -” snap “- about -” snap “- pussy.”

Koyama laughed out loud, grabbing his forehead when pain shot through it. “Oh god.”

“It could have been a lot worse.” Yamapi grinned. “Now get out of my house.”

Koyama went straight to Shige’s, where he was thankfully alone and about to go back to sleep. “About last night…”

Shige chuckled and didn’t meet Koyama’s eyes. “You know, with all of the ‘influence’ I’ve had in the past year, it’ll be a wonder if I ever have a drink in my life.”

“I’m sorry,” Koyama blurted out. “I know why you’re distancing yourself from me.”

“You’re the one who’s been avoiding me, Kei,” Shige said slowly.

“Before that,” Koyama clarified. “That Yuuta-kun guy, burying yourself in your schoolwork… it’s not over, Shige. NewS isn’t over.”

Shige blinked. “Is that what you think? You think I’m giving up?”

“I think you’re trying to forget you were ever a part of it,” Koyama said slowly. “You’re trying to create a life for yourself outside of NewS so it won’t be that much of a let-down if – _when_ NewS is reformed and you’re not in it.”

Out of all the reactions Shige could have had, going white as a sheet was not one that Koyama expected. “There’s a chance I might not be in it?”

Koyama wanted to kick himself. “No! I mean, I haven’t heard anything,” he said quickly, stepping over his words. “I just… isn’t that why you’re staying so busy? Why you made yourself over -”

“I just got my teeth fixed,” Shige muttered, looking at the floor.

“And you’ve been working out.” Koyama looked pointedly at Shige’s abdomen, which was exposed due to his unbuttoned pajama shirt and contracted under their stare.

Lifting his eyes to narrow at Koyama, Shige folded his arms. “So what? Just because I’m making an effort to look good -”

“You looked fine before,” Koyama interrupted.

Shige’s eyes softened, his lips turning up until that bright smile was back. “Thanks, Kei.”

Koyama nodded and turned to leave. “I’ll be going now.”

“Wait,” Shige said, his voice sounding hopeful. “When you apologized for… last night, what were you apologizing for?”

“Being a drunk idiot,” Koyama said without turning around. “But I meant everything I said.”

“Oh.”

.

Summer turned into fall turned into winter, and before Koyama knew it he was in a conference room with the other five remaining members of NewS. “Let’s hope for the best,” he told everyone, who regarded him anxiously.

He had never thought he’d actually get his wish to hug all of them at the same time, but somehow he ended up in the middle as Tegoshi jumped into his arms first, followed by Massu, Yamapi, Ryo (who was dragged in by Yamapi), and finally Shige. Eventually the others snuck out and only Shige’s arms remained around his neck, his face in Shige’s hair as he belatedly realized he was crying. Of course he was, he was Koyama Keiichiro who cries at everything that makes him feel strongly, and officially reuniting with his group was certainly something that tugged at his heart.

The fact that he was hugging Shige managed to intensify the feeling exponentially, and soon Koyama was sobbing on Shige’s shoulder while Shige held him tightly. Koyama was about to apologize for his behavior, but when he looked up to do so a blurry Yamapi was leading everyone out of the room and giving Koyama his trademark thumbs-up before disappearing himself.

Shige made no effort to let go, rubbing Koyama’s back while trembling a little himself, and when Shige pressed his face into Koyama’s neck Koyama felt the moisture from Shige’s eyes, which set him off all over again.

“Kei, stop crying,” Shige finally said, words spoken against skin that gave Koyama a shiver. “You’re making me cry too.”

“I’m so happy,” Koyama managed to squeak out, his traitorous voice mangled by the thick emotions in his throat.

That wasn’t exactly what he wanted to say. The fact that he was happy over NewS’ reformation was a given, but that wasn’t why he was crying. “I missed you,” he wanted to say. “It’s been too long since I’ve been able to be with Shige like this.”

He didn’t say any of it, though, because the words had an entirely different meaning when he was caught up in Shige’s embrace as well as the strong feelings in his heart. He thought about how that guy Yuuta-kun would be out of the picture now and smiled into Shige’s hair, overcome with pride like he’d won a competition he hadn’t known he’d been participating in.

Coincidentally, Shige waited until the gears in Koyama’s head had finally reached that inevitable conclusion, the final piece of the puzzle that he’d been trying to put together for a couple years now, to say “Me too, Kei. Me too.”

.

“You’re so obvious,” Kusano said on the other end of the phone line, chewing his gum loudly right in Koyama’s ear. “Why is it that everyone comes to the youngest for love advice?”

“It’s not -” Koyama began.

“Right, right, it’s not ‘love’,” Kusano emphasized. “Pining over your best friend whom you’ve recently decided you can’t keep your hands off of is definitely not love.”

Koyama’s face burned as he darted his head from side to side like someone would be listening to his conversation from the dark corners of his apartment. Even Nyanta wasn’t impressed, rubbing up against Koyama’s legs as though being petted was much more important than whatever emotional drama his master was having at the moment. “The way you say that makes it sound so…”

“Dirty?” Kusano supplied. “Did you forget who you were talking to? Listen, Koyama. Shige has spent his off time going through… working out a lot of… stuff.”

“That clears it up,” Koyama said sarcastically. “I’ve been doing that too. I think we all have.”

“Dammit, I am trying to be cryptic without breaking confidence.” Kusano banged something and winced. “The point is that Shige has figured some shit out just like you have, and while I will not say whether it’s the same thing or not, it’s shit that’s going to continue to sit there and marinate until one of you finds your balls and brings up the subject first.”

“I haven’t figured anything out!” cried Koyama, rolling onto his back as Nyanta curled up on his chest. “Shige is so much smarter than me. Maybe I should go ask him -”

“Yes!” Kusano screamed. “That is a great idea! Go to Shige and figure it out together, then you can both stop crying to me. I swear to -”

“Shige’s been crying?” Koyama interrupted, suddenly worried. “What has he been crying about? Why don’t I know about this?”

Kusano’s sigh was loud enough to cause static. “I didn’t say anything. This conversation didn’t happen.”

“Kusano -”

“ _Talk to Shige_. Goodbye.”

.

Koyama didn’t remember being this busy before NewS went on hiatus. Maybe there had been more work when it was split between six people compared to eight, but Koyama had never been very good at math so that was where that theory ended. All he knew was that he barely had time to eat and sleep after the memorable Countdown performance that had Koyama in tears once again. There were new songs, a concert to prepare for, television appearances, and a million other things in addition to the Shounen Club tapings that had Koyama’s schedule full for weeks into the future.

And the cameras. The cameras were _everywhere_ , recording his every step and every word. Suddenly everyone was fascinated with what happens behind the scenes, and NewS had always been good at putting on a show for their fans. Even though now it wasn’t much about acting as it was cherishing the closeness between them that had been stripped away for almost a whole year; it was like they were getting to know each other all over again, and they all had that new and exciting yet comfortable and familiar feeling to them.

Koyama was in love with it all. Everyone’s happiness, whether because of NewS reforming or for personal reasons (like Koyama’s own graduation), latched onto his heart and made me feel warm all over. When he had a chance to think about it, he wondered if he had been mixing up his supposed feelings for Shige with his feelings for the group as a whole. Nothing felt better than spending time with any one of them, as an actual bandmate instead of a forgotten obligation, even if there was a camera in his face or sometimes even on his shoulder.

As for Shige, he had changed. He was more determined, more outspoken, and much more attractive. Koyama still held that Shige had looked fine before, but he appeared to have grown up in the past year in the way that had him give off the aura of a confident man as opposed to an uncertain boy. Koyama was sure he wasn’t the only one who felt this way, especially after the first time Shige didn’t back down from Ryo and Ryo had walked away looking bewildered and a little impressed.

Koyama’s only communication with Kusano came in the form of a phone text on the day that he received his university diploma. “Congratulations on graduating! Maybe now you can graduate from something else. Don’t forget what I told you.”

Of course Koyama remembered. _You’re the only one who can take care of Shige now_. The words that were spoken more than a year ago continued to circulate and make the same amount of sense now as they had when he’d originally heard them. Sometimes Koyama wished he were smarter, then maybe he would understand what they were supposed to mean, but all he got out of it was that it involved Koyama, Kusano, and Shige, and something different that he – Koyama – had to do now that Kusano wasn’t around.

.

The nationwide tour was almost over by the time he actually got a chance to talk to Shige without a camera around, and ironically enough it was Shige who brought it up. They were lounging around after a particularly good show, both of their tensions still running high while their bodies were exhausted, and they’d both crashed onto Shige’s bed with no intention on moving even though Shige’s head fell naturally into Koyama’s lap and Koyama’s fingers had automatically raked through Shige’s hair.

The television was on, but neither one of them were watching. Koyama’s heart was beating unusually fast, and there was no way he could try to tell himself that it wasn’t from this closeness with Shige. It’s not like they hadn’t lain like this before, but knowing what Koyama knew now… he still wasn’t quite sure _what_ he knew, except that touching Shige was different now.

This time Koyama’s mind was in full mode when Shige spoke. “Is this normal?”

“Is what normal?” Koyama replied distractedly.

“You and me,” Shige said slowly. “Being like this.”

Koyama paused to think. “I would say so. Look at Ryo-chan and Tesshi. They do it all the time.”

“I’m not Tegoshi, though,” Shige contested, wriggling a little until he had situated his head better.

“Sorry,” Koyama muttered, yanking his hand away like it had caught fire.

“I didn’t say stop!” Shige cried, blindly reaching for Koyama’s wrist and putting it back where it was. “I was just a little offended at the comparison. Tegoshi and I are completely different people.”

“I agree.” Koyama hid a chuckle. “You’re about twenty years apart.”

He jerked when he received a good-natured slap to the knee and made up for it by massaging Shige’s head, which was well-received if Shige’s purr of content was any indication. “You are more like Nyanta-chan than Tesshi,” Koyama thought out loud.

“How do you figure?” Shige asked curiously. “I’m not an attention whore.”

“No, you’re not,” Koyama agreed. “I think it’s because you’ve become so closed-off since the hiatus, the only way anyone can get you to open up is to… well, do this.”

“To pet me?” Shige offered with a laugh, shifting onto his back to give Koyama a pointed look before closing his eyes to Koyama’s now-temple massage. “Give me more credit than that. I won’t roll over for just anyone.”

The implications of that statement had Koyama’s mind in a rather interesting place, one which he usually only visited in late at night, underneath his covers with all the lights turned off and his conscience locked away somewhere where it wouldn’t tell him how dirty he was for fantasizing about such things. Normally he could keep those thoughts from surfacing when Shige was around, but now that they had been unleashed, he was receiving a rather odd sensation everywhere that he and Shige were touching.

His fingertips tingled around Shige’s temples, his thigh warm from where Shige’s head was resting. He had the sudden urge to touch Shige more, to take his hand in Koyama’s own and squeeze, maybe get close enough to feel Shige’s heartbeat, explore the new muscles that had formed over the past year. He didn’t do any of those things, of course, but it had to be obvious to Shige that Koyama was increasingly uncomfortable, although he probably wouldn’t guess that it wasn’t because they were too close; it was because Koyama was trying to hold himself back from getting closer.

“Yuuta-kun tried to kiss me,” Shige said casually, and Koyama’s heart stopped. “I didn’t let him get very far.”

Koyama exhaled noisily and looked away when Shige tried to meet his eyes. “I don’t know what to say to that.”

“You don’t have to say anything,” Shige said quietly. “I just wanted you to know. I wasn’t together with him like that, even if Kusano thinks I was and even if Yuuta-kun wanted to be.”

“He wanted to be?” Koyama repeated.

“Obviously, if he tried to kiss me.” Shige pinched Koyama’s leg, which did little to help the whole closeness factor. “Pay attention, Kei.”

“So you…” Koyama bit his lip while thinking of an appropriate way to word his question. “What do you mean by ‘very far’?”

Shige laughed and Koyama almost smacked him; it wasn’t funny, dammit. “He got about as far as Kusano did. I didn’t like it, either time.”

“Maybe you’re not into guys,” Koyama suggested, the sharp pain in his chest going ignored.

“I would think that way,” Shige said slowly, “if I hadn’t thought about you immediately afterwards.”

Koyama froze.

“Don’t freak out.” Shige reached for Koyama’s still hand on his head, lacing their fingers together and rubbing Koyama’s thumb with the pad of his own in a way that instantly calmed him. “I don’t think it means what you think it means. Maybe I knew you wouldn’t approve of either instance and I was feeling guilty.”

“I didn’t,” Koyama admitted. “Approve, that is. Kusano is a slut and that Yuuta-kun kid looked more like your fan than your friend.”

“Funny you say that,” Shige said dryly, “being as I haven’t talked to the latter since I kicked him out of bed.”

“You were in bed with him?!” Koyama exploded, trying to tear his hand away; Shige tightened his grip and halted him.

“Not like that!” cried Shige. “We were actually just like this. He was trying to comfort me, at least that’s what I thought he was doing until he kissed me. I let him go for awhile and when he tried to go further, I pushed him away.”

Koyama felt like he should have been outraged at that guy’s audacity, trying to take advantage of his precious Shige, but he was more concerned at the reasons behind it. “Why did you need to be comforted, Shige? Were you upset?”

Shige’s eyes cast downwards as he nodded. “Yeah. I don’t know how to explain it in a way that won’t ruin our friendship.”

“Nothing can ruin our friendship,” Koyama said brightly, his heartbeat doubling for reasons unbeknownst to him. “I’m the only one who can take care of you now.”

Shige made a confused expression. “Take care of me? You’re the one who says I act like an old man. Aren’t I taking care of myself?”

“I-I don’t know,” Koyama said honestly. “That’s just what Kusano told me.”

Shige’s laughter burned Koyama’s ears, and suddenly he felt embarrassed and really, really stupid. Shige seemed to notice and tried to stop, but the damage had already been done. “I’m sorry, Kei,” he said when he could speak again. “I’m not laughing at you, really. It’s just that… if Kusano said that to _you_ … he meant like…” He inhaled sharply and met Koyama’s eyes like it took every ounce of his willpower to do so. “He meant that, now that he’s not around, you’re the only one who can take care of me in the way that he had been.”

“He’s younger,” Koyama said quietly, still a little offended at Shige’s reaction. “How could he possibly…” He trailed off as Shige gave him a pointed look. “Oh… how the hell was I supposed to know that? I didn’t know he was ‘taking care’ of you in… in that way.”

“He wasn’t!” Shige exclaimed, scrambling out of Koyama’s lap to face him directly. “I swear, all he did was kiss me. But he kept saying that I could go to him if I ever wanted to do more, which I never did, Kei, I swear, and it became like this joke, I guess, even though it’s not really funny. I don’t see how he expected you to get it when you didn’t even know about it…”

“I have been trying to figure out what he was talking about since he got suspended…” Koyama was starting to get angry, and his fatigue wasn’t helping. “Turns out he was implying that I should be the one you go to for… for… stuff. I’m not a slut, Shige.”

“No, no, I know,” Shige said in a rushed voice. “That’s just what he meant, not what I think. I would never… I’m sorry, this is bad. Can we start over?”

“Start what over, the conversation?” Koyama cocked his head and started to lift off of the mattress. “I’m not upset with you, Shige. I’m just disappointed that I’ve spent the past year trying to chase something that I thought was important.”

Shige frowned. “So it’s not normal, then.”

“Eh?”

“Never mind.” Shige shook his head and buried under the covers. “Good-night.”

Koyama was too tired to argue, and it wasn’t until right before he fell asleep that he realized he’d never found out why Shige had needed to be comforted by someone other than himself.

Kusano’s phone calls went unanswered for a month. Koyama’s embarrassment remained, but now it was more of the actual thought of following through with Kusano’s “advice” than thinking it had meant something much deeper than it actually did. In a way, it kind of made sense – Koyama wouldn’t want Shige to go to some random person for those kinds of things, like Yuuta-kun. Koyama felt angry at the mere thought of that guy, even though he really hadn’t done anything wrong. He’d stopped when Shige said no and let him be after that.

It didn’t bother him that Shige had initially started with Kusano, which was rather strange. Back when Shige had first told him, Koyama had been a little uneasy at the thought, although he had played it off as no big deal and even made it look like he was disappointed that they hadn’t gone further. Now he felt this sort of resentment towards Kusano as well as some kind of strong feeling towards Shige that he couldn’t pinpoint nor understand.

He wished he could sort out his emotions when it came to Shige, not only because it was driving him crazy but also because it was starting to affect the entire group. Despite his declarations of heterosexuality on Shige’s last birthday, the awkwardness between them was apparent enough for the others to notice. Koyama did not approve of that at all – he had never thought that _he_ would directly contribute to the fall of their member-ai – and it had gotten to the point where he was so used to the confusion and weird feelings that surface when he was around Shige that he would probably be lost if they were to suddenly go away.

When they did, it was of Koyama’s own doing. Spring was turning into summer once again by the time Koyama got a night alone, having spent the past couple weeks planning his evening and mentally preparing himself for what he had to do in order to figure it out once and for all.

And finally, when he was reaching his peak with Shige’s face fresh in his mind, it became crystal clear.

<–FLIP–>

Kato Shigeaki was overall a logical man. Zeroes and ones, yes or no, going from point A to point B was where Shige was the most comfortable. He understood it; it made sense. When he started to study law, there were so many loopholes and exceptions that simple logic was now accompanied by algorithms, which were complicated in their nature but still produced a sensible conclusion. “If, then” statements that seemed to break down every cause and effect situation possible.

For example:

{IF Ryo-chan’s sleep < 4 hours,

> THEN Ryo-chan’s genki level = -2,

AND everyone else’s genki level = -10}

Shige would claim that these formulas have saved his life. They’ve certainly helped him make tough decisions and give helpful advice. However, the problem with these lines of code was that there’s no place to ask _why_. Sometimes the answer is obvious, like with Ryo-chan’s amount of sleep affecting his mood and the mood of others, but more often than not it’s something that’s supposed to be understood and wasn’t.

Shige didn’t like not understanding. He in no way thought that he knew everything, but he’d like to think that he had the most common sense out of everybody he knew. Given his present company these days, that wasn’t a difficult title to live up to. Even so, there were certain formulas present in his head that, while being cut and dry, made absolutely no sense.

{IF Shige + Kusano,

> THEN Koyama = :D;

AND  
IF Shige + Yuuta,

> THEN Koyama = :'(}

He didn’t see how the two could be exactly the same situation and have exactly the opposite outcomes. When Kusano had kissed him over two years ago, Koyama had been excited and even a little disappointed that there hadn’t been more to tell. But the minute Yuuta came into the picture, Koyama had kept his distance and their friendship had suffered. Even now that Yuuta was no longer around, Koyama was still acting strangely.

It just didn’t compute.

He was deeply glad, though, that he hadn’t had to fess up to the reason why he was crying in Yuuta’s lap that day Koyama peeked in his window. It might have looked like something else, but at the time those kind of feelings were the farthest from his mind. He had been incredibly upset not by Kusano’s accusatory phone call, but by Koyama’s reaction. Having Koyama saddened because of him was something that weighed on his heart, and those five days were probably the longest they’d gone without speaking the entire time they’d known each other. They may have not seen each other in the flesh everyday, but there were always phone calls and text messages or just knowing that the other was going to be busy for a few days and not to worry.

Shige almost chuckled out loud when it occurred to him how much like a romantic relationship that sounded. It was okay because it was Koyama, and besides, Shige knew that between the two of them, he wasn’t the girlfriend. But no matter what Kusano said, Koyama definitely didn’t have those kind of feelings for him. He said so himself on Shige’s nineteenth birthday – he only loved girls. And that was fine. Shige had long since been comfortable with his sexuality, which wasn’t leaning towards boys or girls so much as nonexistent entirely, but he certainly couldn’t expect others to feel the same way he did.

Sex seemed pointless. Not that Shige’s had any, but he’s seen how it affects his friends and loved ones and didn’t think he needed that extra stress. Yamapi’s constantly worried about keeping his secret girlfriend(s) happy, Ryo-chan’s trying to get laid at every opportunity because a long time ago some girl broke his heart, and everybody knew what happened to Akanishi. It was just like alcohol – why do something that you know is going to hurt you? Even if it feels good for a little while, it’s not worth it if you end up feeling so horrible.

{IF sex = :S

> THEN sex = 0;

AND  
IF alcohol = >X

> THEN alcohol = 0}

Cut and dry logic. The only thing Shige couldn’t understand was how everyone else didn’t feel this way. They called him a prude, a baby, not so much a pussy for the alcohol thing after Uchi and Kusano, but once he turned twenty he’d probably hear that as well.

Kusano had been the first one to try and “fix” him. It didn’t mean anything and he was in no hurry to do it again, but for the rest of his life it would always be that Kusano was his first kiss. The thought made Shige cringe.

.

Kusano had asked him once, “What if it had been Kei-chan?” and Shige had dismissed the idea with a laugh, because Koyama kissing him was like dividing by zero – impossible.

Now Shige knew that he had spent so much time around Yuuta because Yuuta made him feel good about himself in a way that Koyama couldn’t. Aside from the physical changes, being with Yuuta had made Shige feel attractive and important in a way that he hadn’t yet experienced as a Johnny. It gave him confidence to know that somebody thought that he was the best, even if the person in question turned out to have ulterior motives.

Shige had kind of skimmed over his interaction with Yuuta to Koyama. He hadn’t lied, but Yuuta hadn’t exactly just gotten up and left the first time Shige said no. And it had definitely happened more than once, but that was probably Shige’s fault. Shige had been confused and curious and unable to say, “I don’t like that, don’t do it anymore.” It wasn’t Yuuta’s fault that Shige’s brain couldn’t comprehend what he was feeling.

{IF Shige + X,

> THEN Shige’s thoughts = Koyama}

Something else that didn’t compute. Shige was starting to think that logic didn’t apply to Koyama, that he was above all rationality and carried specifications all of his own. But unlike Koyama, Shige’s method of dealing with impossibility was to simply not acknowledge it. It may have been childish of him, but the way he saw it there wasn’t anything to be gained by spending his time and energy trying to make sense out of the nonsensical.

.

When Yamapi invited him out for his twentieth birthday, Shige’s first instinct was to refuse. There was nothing to gain by getting drunk and feeling bad for the next couple days all because he was legally old enough to do it. But Yamapi insisted, and it would only be the two of them, and Shige trusted Yamapi enough to agree.

It didn’t take long for inhibitions to leave Shige, whose lips had never touched liquor before in his entire life. When inhibitions left Shige, however, it wasn’t the kind that had him waking up in someone else’s bed with his pants missing the next morning. Shige’s inhibitions kept his mouth shut about his deepest thoughts and fears and feelings that sometimes not even he understood, which included the constant formulas running through his head along with the other constant that seemed to be present in most of them.

When he woke on Yamapi’s sofa, well into the afternoon after having not turned in until sunrise, there were several piece of notebook paper scattered amongst Yamapi’s coffee table. Shige’s eyes hurt from sleeping in his contacts as well as the massive hangover that seemed to encompass his entire body, but he struggled to read his and Yamapi’s chicken scratches.

It appeared that into the early hours of the morning, Yamapi had been trying to turn Shige’s internal formulas into algebraic equations. Yamapi was no math whiz, but as Shige read on, he came to respect Yamapi’s logic, no matter how twisted it was.

[k = Koyama, s = Shige, q = Kusano, y = Yuuta, and P = Yamapi (cha!)]

Problem: k + ? = 100%  
Givens: k^x = (s+q)

> -k^x = (s+y)

> (s – k) = s(q)/s(y)

Answer: (s + q) = (s + y) = k^x * -k^x = -k^x²

> (k – s) = k < 100%
> 
> k + s = 100%

… AND P + π = <3

Taking up an entire piece of paper was the word “probability (2/1)”.

Shige blinked. There it was, right there on paper. Willing his headache to go away, he checked to make sure that Yamapi was home (he wasn’t, but Shige found Akanishi passed out in the hallway and figured it was safe to leave the front door unlocked), splashed some water on his face, and ran.

At the train station, Shige gasped for air. He was no athlete, that’s for sure. Koyama lived entirely too far away to hoof it, even if he was standing on the edge of what just might be the most amazing psychological breakthrough of all time.

_It made sense_. Not Yamapi’s math – that was horrible. The analogy behind it, though, was enough to make Shige’s head spin even more than it already was. It was so simple that he wouldn’t have even needed an algorithm to solve it in the first place, had he not been making it out to be bigger than it really was.

Without Shige, Koyama was sad. If Shige was with someone else, Koyama was sad. The logical solution would be for Shige to be with _Koyama_.

Be _with_ Koyama.

Shige stopped in the middle of the street. He was honked at, swerved around, and almost hit by a motorcycle until someone yelled for him to get his fairy ass out of the road and he came back to reality. Once he reached the curb, he sat down and ignored the strange looks from passersby as the wheels in his brain processed this new information.

{IF Shige + Koyama,

THEN

> Koyama = :D
> 
> Shige = :D

… AND sex = 1 (yes)}

Shige choked, then immediately drew himself up straight and set his jaw. He already disproved one of his previous formulas the night before, when alcohol certainly ≠ :(, in fact it led him to understanding. Maybe sex would turn out the same way, or perhaps…

{IF Shige + Koyama,  
AND sex = :\

> THEN (Shige + Koyama) sex = :)!}

Damned probability. Shige never did like that part.

.

Nobody was home when he finally got to Koyama’s place, and it wasn’t until the fourth time he knocked that he remembered Koyama had Shokura taping right then. He lingered for awhile and got some strange looks from Koyama’s neighbors before he decided that it would be in his best interest to use his spare key and let himself inside.

Nyanta growled at him, but Shige didn’t take it personally since he growled at everyone. He probably didn’t like it when Koyama was sad either, and cats usually had a way of sensing who had upset their master. Shige supposed he was lucky that Nyanta didn’t claw him upon arrival.

A glance in Koyama’s hallway mirror showed a fright, and Shige belatedly realized that was _him_. He looked like death warmed over and figured that Koyama would forgive him for taking a shower, and maybe “borrowing” some clothes until Shige could get home.

Feeling much cleaner and a little more human, Shige tried to concentrate on what he was actually going to say when Koyama got home, but his senses were overloaded by Koyama’s scent and he kept getting distracted. Shige _never_ got distracted, except for obviously right then. He realized when Nyanta tried to eat his hair that he was falling asleep, and he certainly couldn’t try to express his new discovery to Koyama in that state.

If Shige had thought that Koyama’s shampoo and laundry detergent had a strong scent, it was nothing compared to his bed. Shige wasn’t rude enough to get under the covers, but curling up on the comforter and hugging Koyama’s pillow to his face was enough to knock out his senses completely and send him to dreamland.

{IF Shige + Koya-smells = :D  
AND Nyanta’s threat on Shige’s life = 0 (no);

> THEN Shige’s love for Koyama = 100%}

.

Shige woke up feeling like a cat. That is, there was a rumbling in his throat that sounded like his voice, and someone was petting his hair. He blinked his eyes open and looked up at the relaxed face of Koyama, who upon seeing that he was awake stilled his hand and greeted him with a bemused smile.

“You’re getting my pillow wet,” was all he said.

Stretching, Shige made it a point to rub his hair against Koyama’s pillow and got a light smack in the head for his efforts. “Hey, don’t hit me before I’m awake.”

“It’s funny,” Koyama said quietly. “It’s your birthday, except I’m the one with a present in my bed.”

“I had a reason,” Shige replied slowly, his mind cloudy and for once free of formulas. “But I forgot.”

Koyama leaned over him, pushing the remaining hair out of his eyes, his expression turned serious. “I have to tell you something.”

Shige gulped. “Okay.”

Koyama sighed a little, then licked his lips. “Your breath is atrocious.”

He should have expected to be whacked in the face with his own pillow, yet there was this hurt puppy look on his face after Shige did it. “It’s not like I have a toothbrush here.”

Koyama paused, sniffing the air. “Did you use my shampoo?”

“No?” Shige tried.

“Liar.” Koyama reached into his pocket and tossed a pack of mints at Shige. “And you’re wearing my clothes. Did you even go home last night?”

Shaking his head, Shige popped a couple of the mints. “Woke up on Yamapi’s couch awhile ago. I don’t even know what time it is.”

“It’s four in the afternoon.” Koyama shook his head. “How do you feel now that you’ve entered the drinking class?”

“Enlightened,” Shige replied, his nerves suddenly tingling. “I figured something out last night – er, this morning.”

“Oh?” Koyama didn’t look entirely perplexed. “What’s that?”

Shige chose his words carefully. He didn’t speak without thinking very often and even though he hadn’t managed to thoroughly plan out his confession, probability was on his side. “I miss you.”

If Koyama was having any particular reaction, he wasn’t showing it. “I miss you too. What happened?”

“We grew up,” Shige responded. “We were separated, we -”

“We were _not_ separated,” Koyama practically growled, so fiercely that Shige’s eyes widened and he scooted back a little. “You were purposely making yourself busy.”

“Because I was starting to…” Shige hesitated, burying his face in Koyama’s blankets and sneezing when one of Nyanta’s hairs reached his nose.

“I’ll get you some antihistamines,” Koyama said mechanically, rolling out of his bed and walking sluggishly towards the bathroom.

“I’m in love with you!” Shige screamed, raising his head with unfocused vision. “Fuck, Kei, I’m in love with you and I don’t know what to do about it.”

If Shige could see clearly, he would have seen Koyama fall against the nearest wall and slowly slump to the floor. Tears immediately filled his eyes, silent sobs overcoming him until his face was in his hands, choked breaths in his throat.

While Shige’s eyesight was shot, his hearing was perfect and he scrambled to the floor, kneeling in front of Koyama and wanting nothing more than to take him into his arms. “I keep making you cry. I’d be such a lousy boyfriend.”

“Idiot,” Koyama spat, entirely uncharacteristically but Shige knew he deserved it. “I’m not crying because I’m sad. Shige just confessed to me and I feel stupid because I’ve spent the past year and a half trying to prove to you and everyone else that I don’t feel that way towards you.”

Shige couldn’t help it; he grinned. “Kei loves me.”

“Shut up.”

“Kei-chan _loves_ me!”

Koyama did what any stressed, emotional wreck would do in his situation – he grabbed Shige by the collar and kissed him. Shige thought that he would pass out from lack of oxygen to his brain, but he stayed there with his lips pressed to Koyama’s for what felt like hours, feeling Koyama’s warm breath on his face and soft lips against his.

Then Shige abruptly pulled away to sneeze again.

“That,” said Koyama, a little dazed, “was sexy.”

“I hate you,” Shige grumbled, hoisting himself up and ignoring Koyama’s tug on his pant leg.

“That’s too bad,” Koyama said nonchalantly. “Because I love you so much, I keep medicine at my house so my cat won’t make you sick. _And_ I thought you were good-looking before you got your extreme makeover. And I’d still kick that Yuuta kid’s ass for trying to take advantage of you.”

Shige almost doubled over in laughter at the thought of Koyama kicking _anyone’s_ ass, but then he was in the bathroom getting the medicine himself and he couldn’t hear Koyama’s confessions anymore. It was a lot more comfortable than it had been, but there was still that underlying fear of what would be now expected of him that had Shige’s nerves on end once again.

When Koyama appeared in the mirror behind him, Shige jumped enough to clear the floor. “Relax,” Koyama said, wrapping his arms around Shige’s waist from behind. “We said it, so everything is going to be okay now.”

Surprisingly, Shige stopped shaking. Koyama’s embrace was warm and comforting, like it had always been, and Shige felt safe despite his new apprehension. “What happens next?”

“Next?” Koyama repeated, a little confused. “Well, I plan on kissing you some more, to make up for those other guys being here before me. After that I thought we’d grab something to eat, because I don’t know about you but I’m starving -”

“Kei,” Shige said suddenly, his eyes going wide. “For once, I don’t know all of the answers.”

“We’ll just have to figure them out on the way, then, won’t we?” Koyama replied, ever so cheerful, giving Shige a squeeze and pressing his lips to the back of Shige’s neck. “But don’t worry, I’ll be good. You’ll have to jump me first.”

“That could happen very soon if you keep doing that,” Shige breathed, tilting his head to give Koyama better access.

“Doing what?” Koyama asked innocently, staring at Shige in the mirror as his tongue flicked out to lap at the small mark he was leaving.

“ _Kei_ ,” Shige said in a warning voice.

“Mm?”

“I think you should start listening to Kusano.” __

> _Omake_

Yamapi was accustomed to seeing a lot of weird shit – he did live with Jin, after all – but a pie on his doorstep was a little abnormal. Skeptically he picked it up, examined it, and stuck his finger right in the middle to conduct a taste test.

The results? It was _delicious_.

“Pi, there’s an underaged boy in my bed!” Jin yelled from down the hallway.

“Again?” Yamapi replied indifferently, carrying the pie to the kitchen.

“I’ve been here all night, douchebag,” Kusano’s sleepy voice carried. “It’s not my fault you don’t make it past the couch when you come home trashed.”

Jin did not look impressed as he turned the corner into the kitchen. “Why is he here.”

“We’re celebrating,” Yamapi replied, shoving a piece of pie in Jin’s face. “Congratulate us!”

Jin opened his mouth, probably to ask for what, but seemed to think better of it and ate the pie instead. “Great breakfast.”

“I thought so.” Yamapi stuffed an entire piece in his mouth and chuckled as Kusano emerged with amazing bed hair. “I think this is from Koyama and Shige.”

Kusano burst into laughter so hard that he ended up coughing. “How appropriate.”

Jin rolled his eyes at them and went to his room, now underage-boy free.

Pie in hand, Yamapi sat on his couch, looking around expectantly.

“What are you doing?” Kusano asked, unabashedly scratching himself.

“Everyone else gets smarter after being on this couch,” Yamapi answered seriously. “Maybe I have to lay down.”

“Yeah,” said Kusano dryly. “It’s totally because of _your couch_.” _  
_


End file.
